Chapter 6: Why me? Recovery from ectopic pregnancy

Why me?

I kept asking this in my head over and over. Most of my friends had gotten pregnant with zero issues and delivered healthy babies. Why do I have to be different? Having a pregnancy that was growing in a fallopian tube (ectopic pregnancy) is a dangerous situation for the mother. As the pregnancy progresses, it could cause the fallopian tube to burst, which could result in internal bleeding and it can be life threatening to the mother.

There is no chance that the ectopic pregnancy will be viable and the only options are miscarriage or surgical removal.

I looked up every possible search on the internet to see if there had ever been any pregnancies that went full term from an ectopic pregnancy. Every search ended with the same result. Not a valid pregnancy. After discussions with our doctor, we made the incredibly hard decision to surgically remove the pregnancy. This was awful. There is no way to explain that feeling of choosing this, but we had no other choice. We wanted to have children and this was the best choice for us medically to ensure the best odds for that to happen in the future. They would have to remove one of my fallopian tubes in the surgery along with the pregnancy. Now we faced recovery from ectopic pregnancy loss.

I never ever disconnected from that feeling of being a Mom. I never thought of this pregnancy as “cells” or “just an embryo” as some people said to me. This was our child. We created this life! I leaned heavily on my faith and I knew that someday, we would reconnect with this soul and although this was an unbelievably hard decision, it was the right one for us.

The surgery was quick and physically, I recovered well. Emotionally, I was not in a great place, but I hung on to the fact that we got pregnant very fast and although it was going to be harder with one fallopian tube, it would happen. I WAS going to be a mom.

We healed together and when we were ready, we decided to “see” what would happen if we tried again. The following Spring, we got pregnant again. If you have ever been trying to get pregnant, you know that once a month, you buy a couple pregnancy tests HOPING that you will need them, PRAYING your period is late and that you will see those two red lines flash on the small test. As newlyweds, you avoid the “When are you having kids?” questions and just smile.

My period was late and I was feeling a little “off” so I decided to take a test. I was actually on a lunch break at a photography class I had been taking. I bought a test on the way and had planned to take it when I got home. HA! That test was basically staring at my all morning, so I decided to go for it. 2 red lines. 2 RED LINES!!! I took a picture of the test and texted it it to my husband. I could not stop grinning the rest of the day. I wanted to just sit in one place and not move until we went to the doctor. I was excited, but I was nervous. I had read ALL the things. All the odds, all the blogs and I knew that it was extremely early. 2 days later, I went to the bathroom and those odds were taking shape. I was bleeding. This was not implantation bleeding. This was not normal and I knew that I was miscarrying. We kept our doctor visit and they confirmed that I was pregnant, but that my levels were in line with a miscarriage and it was called a “chemical pregnancy.” Many women do not find out that are even pregnant this early, so they think it is just their period. I remember thinking something was wrong with me. Why was this happening? Was I being punished for something? Meanwhile, it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant. Baby carriages everywhere, pregnant bellies and I started to feel really angry.

We tried for about a year and a half after that and….nothing. No 2 red lines. We tried everything. I read THE craziest surefire ways to get pregnant and we tried them all. Still nothing. There is nothing that will get you in the mood like an ovulation test and a crazy woman yelling that “IT IS TIME…LET’S GO” and then post sex laying there with legs in the air eating pineapple for 10 minutes. My husband was proving to be a keeper 🙂

Our marriage was being tested very early on, but we would not give up. We scheduled an appointment with my OB to start discussing options and it is at this time that we were introduced to the medical world of infertility. What a journey we were about to have…

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